Aggression and what it signals

Photo by Eddie Kopp on Unsplash

Aggression from our sweet kids can really throw us off balance. When our 2 year old bites a friend, our 4 year old whaps us in the face during playtime, or our children physically fight one another, we often feel confused, isolated and very angry ourselves.

Parenting by Connection has some interesting and practically useful views on aggression; a supremely helpful idea championed by this approach is that an aggressive child is a scared child. A short explanation of brain science may help to illuminate why.

The human brain can be viewed in a simple way by seeing it as a vertical chain. The brain stem at the bottom controls life processes such as breathing and temperature, and is the part engaged when the fight or flight response is triggered. The next level up is the social emotional centre of the brain, known as the limbic system. Here is where our long term memories are stored, and it is the part of the brain we use to scan our surroundings for danger. The smallest infant has a fully operational limbic system – from birth, she is able to know whether she feels safe or not. At the top of this vertical chain is the prefrontal cortex. This is the part of the brain concerned with executive functioning skills – reasoning, logic, impulse control, short term memory and verbal skills. To operate at our best, all three levels must be integrated.

What we know about the brain is that a child’s limbic system searches for a sense of safety or connection; and when it can’t sense the security of a loving, concerned adult right there to help, the fight or flight response is kicked up. The brain is out of balance and the child can no longer access the prefrontal cortex, necessary to stop the hitting out that so many families struggle with.

So what’s the solution? It’s a simple and profound one. Connection. When you proactively build a sense of connection with your child, her sense of safety builds too and the big feelings that drive aggression are reliably weakened.

Parenting by Connection offers five key strategies to help your family’s sense of connection build and develop. Special Time is one such tool; often referred to as a ‘connection vitamin’, it involves you regularly setting aside a period of time (we recommend using a timer), letting your child name it and allowing her to be totally in charge of how you play. This short, regular dose of your full attention really can work miracles -  your child’s sense that she is seen, cared for and safe builds greatly over time. In my own family, sibling fights can be directly correlated to how much or little Special Time my boys have recently had!

Special Time is an amazing investment for your family. When things are tight or tense between you and a child, a regular reminder that you can share laughter and be part of her world can really warm up your relationship again. It is also a boon to overworked parents to give ourselves permission, just for a short time, to do nothing at all but concentrate on our precious child. The love we have for our child can have the space it needs to thrive. Special Time is a fantastic tool for addressing problems with aggression and can really help your child feel safer, so that she feels less need to protect herself by hitting out at others.  

If you’d like to know more about Special Time, or how to help with aggression, search www.parentingbyconnection.org.au or www.handinhandparenting.org - both sites are full of resources and success stories about Special Time and the other Parenting by Connection tools.

The best way to learn about these tools is to complete a Parenting by Connection Starter Class where you receive in person or online support, resources and mentoring. Register your interest in attending the next Starter Class by emailing pbcwithbelynda@gmail.com.