Parenting by Connection has a wonderful tool to use at times like these. It is quite revolutionary; it doesn't require you to adjudicate, teach or lecture. Just to listen. This tool is called Staylistening. It literally involves you simply staying with your child, and listening to whatever they need to say.
The truth is that when we quieten our children, their big feelings don't go away, they are just driven down inside them. Is it any wonder these feelings boil up and result in sibling fighting and hard moments? By allowing your child to 'let off steam' with your loving attention, you take the sting out of these feelings. When new to this approach I was sceptical, thinking this would encourage the feelings and grow them, but my experience has been exactly the opposite. With the loving attention of a parent, a child can let go of big, hard feelings and get back to their loving, cooperative selves.
Here is an example of how just listening can really help a child dissolve the difficult feelings of jealousy that were driving his behaviour.
My youngest son’s birthday was the next day and my older son was really struggling to be kind and happy for his brother. I moved in close and said, ‘What’s going on mate? You really seem to be finding it hard to be kind to little brother today? Are you feeling a little jealous?’
My warm tone and openness allowed him to feel safe, and he moved into a huge cry, letting me know that he felt his brother would lord it over him – ‘It will be all about him, and he’ll get to boss me around all day!’ and that one of the presents the birthday boy had received was something my big boy was desperate to own. I listened without comment and simply restated, “Yes, he got that toy. You don’t have it. I’m sorry it is so hard for you.” He cried for about 20 minutes, going over and over how hard it felt not to have that toy, and not to be the birthday boy. I just stayed with him, and listened.
Later that night he was much more flexible, and the next morning he woke up delighted to share in his brother’s day.
If you’d like to know more about Staylistening, or how to help with sibling jealousy, search www.parentingbyconnection.org.au or www.handinhandparenting.org - both sites are full of resources and success stories about the Parenting by Connection tools.
The best way to learn about these tools is to complete a Parenting by Connection Starter Class where you receive in person or online support, resources and mentoring. Register your interest in attending the next Starter Class by emailing pbcwithbelynda@gmail.com.
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