Parenting by Connection - an overview

from Unsplash by David Sobolewski

Parenting by Connection is an approach that works from the assumption that you are a good parent, who wants the very best for your children. We also start with the view that your children are good; they want to connect with you and others around them to play well, laugh hard and learn with real passion. We know that children are born to connect with us and that their brain development relies on warm, responsive, loving adult care.

In our fast-paced world, parenting isn't given the respect and the support it deserves. It's no wonder, then, that there are times when our children don't feel connected to us. This too is a natural experience, and it is one our children are equipped for - with our support they can bounce back from a feeling of disconnection and develop valuable resilience.

So what happens when a child has experienced a feeling of disconnect, and his brain can't sense safety? Parenting by Connection holds the view that children have a natural, in-built method for releasing this tension. When children tantrum, cry, laugh, tremble and perspire their bodies are doing just what children's bodies all over the world do when the going gets too tough. Tantrums and crying are a universal human experience. Our approach considers them to be valuable methods for clearing out emotional tension and maintaining a state of emotional equilibrium.

If a child doesn't feel safe enough to spontaneously release this tension through tantruming, crying, sweating, trembling or laughing, you will see what all parents find a huge challenge: off-track behaviour. We see this as a red flag from our kids saying, 'Help me please, I can't think straight!'

What we know about brain science is that there are three key parts to our brains. The brain stem governs life processes such as breathing and is in charge of the well-known fight or flight response. The limbic system, or middle brain, is our safety monitor and the seat of our long-term memories. This is the part of our brain that is engaged to determine connection, that tells children 'Yes! All ok here. Learn and play, share and have fun'. Finally, the prefrontal cortex is our higher brain, where our executive function happens. When the limbic system sends the message that all is well, this is the part of our child's brain that helps her reason, organise, play well, be considerate and think well.

When the limbic system isn't feeling a sense of safety and connection, our child literally flips out, and her thinking brain isn't wired at all - she can't reach her executive functioning skills no matter how much we may want her to. She is flung into a sense of fight or flight and cannot think, only act. This is where we see sibling hitting, toddlers pulling the cat's tail, sharing squabbles and other nutty behaviour. Appealing to our child's logic or reason at this time simply can't work well; the structure of our brains prohibits it.

So what does work well? Letting her limbic system know it's safe. The best way to do this is to set a limit (I can't let you pull the cat's tail sweetie), holding it physically if need be, and remain close while her upset pours out. Your only job is to keep everyone safe and pour your love into your child. 'I'm sorry sweetheart, I can't let you do that. I'm here. I'll keep everyone safe.' The fewer words the better. When she reaches the end of her upset, knowing that you've provided safety and love throughout, you'll find your bond getting stronger and stronger, and her behaviour getting better and better.

The Parenting by Connection tools work to build a child's sense of safety over time and in difficult moments, while also providing invaluable support for parents. Here's a brief overview of each one:

Special Time is the tool we always recommend starting with. It involves setting aside a short period of time every day, letting your child name this special time, timing it, and then following his lead and allowing him to be totally in control of how he wants to play, Following laughter and giggles is also very helpful in this time, as is allowing for his upset when the timer goes off and this very precious one on one time has to end.

Setting Limits involves bringing a limit when necessary, as early as possible, to keep everyone safe and to help your child process any big feelings driving difficult behaviour.

Playlistening is a very unique way of listening to your child, where you enter her world and discover what makes her laugh, give her the power in the play (oh no, you got away from me again, you are just too fast!) and avoid overpowering her in ways like tickling (which we do not recommend). This can also be a wonderful way to set limits without harshness and is ridiculously effective!

Staylistening is where we stay with an upset child and fully hear her upset and her feelings, without trying to fix or change anything, until she is finished.

And finally, the lynchpin for all these tools is the adult-to-adult listening tool of Listening Partnerships. This involves parents agreeing to listen to one another for a set amount of time without any advice or judgement while holding the thought that the speaker is intelligent and will figure out solutions, and while also providing confidentiality. This means a safe space for parents to work on challenging moments with their children, and a forum for seeing where patterns from our own childhood are reappearing.

If you'd like more information about any of these tools, visit the international organisation www.handinhandparenting.org or our Australian website www.parentingbyconnection.org.au or get in touch, I'd love to talk more about how these tools can help connection in your family.