Staylistening - how a simple parenting tool can change everything

Image by Jordan Whitt on Unsplash

Parents want to make things go well for their children. We want to see them laugh joyfully, focus intently on their passions, and play beautifully with their friends. When things go wrong, we often move straight into fix-it mode. This can mean skipping over the child's feelings - 'No that didn't really hurt' or 'You're just being silly'. Parenting by Connection has a new insight into these moments.

What if you don't need to fix anything? What if your only job is to stay with your child and listen, for as long as she needs to offload her emotions?

At first glance, this may seem a strange idea, one that could encourage dramatics and crying. My experience and that of many thousands of others who have worked with the Parenting by Connection approach is the total opposite.

If I minimise my child's feelings, he maintains a feeling of upset all day long. Everything is a problem. He is literally looking for a way to offload his feelings and any little pretext will do (sandwiches cut the wrong way, socks that don't feel right and so forth).

If, however, I settle in and decide to give my child's feelings my full attention, I can sometimes spend ten, twenty, even forty minutes with a small maestro of emotion who lets me know very clearly how unhappy he is with the world. And then, abruptly, beautifully, he sits up and smiles and I know we are in for a great day!

It is strangely liberating for me too - no longer do I have to rush around trying to fix the twentieth thing that morning. I can just see that my child needs to have a good cry in my loving arms and provide him with safety and care. I have two jobs - stay and listen. That's it.

How does this work? What is going on to make this simple but profound approach of empathy and listening such an effective one?

Neuroscience tells us that the brain can be basically described as having three levels. The downstairs brain is our fight or flight centre, useful in survival situations. The middle brain is our limbic system, the social-emotional centre. This is the part of our brain that searches for and evaluates our safety. The upstairs brain is our prefrontal cortex, still under construction until we are in our mid-twenties. The thing about this upstairs brain is that it can only be online when our limbic system lets us know things are safe.

I think of it being like a fulcrum for the seesaw of our emotions. If the limbic system senses safety, we can integrate all aspects of our brain and the seesaw tips to engage the rational, logical part of our brain that we use to make good judgements. If it senses any danger, it doesn't take long for the upstairs brain to be switched off completely, and the seesaw to tip back to the downstairs brain and the fight or flight reaction to kick in.

When this happens, our children literally cannot think. Their upstairs brain is offline completely. Pleading, scolding, punishments, consequences... none of these provide much effect at all, because they all appeal to a thinking brain. Our child at this moment is flooded with emotion and the need to act - fight, cry, sweat and tantrum. Words are not much use to a child who feels in danger for his very life.

So what do they need? Their limbic system needs to feel safe again so that their thinking brain can once again come online. And how can they feel safe? Through warm eye contact, gentle touch, and a loving tone of voice the limbic system will sense safety and connection. They need to know we are there for them, loving them through these difficult feelings. The process literally involves them pouring out all of their upset and bad feelings while we pour in love and connection. When you provide a safe harbour for your child during an emotional storm, you will both come out the other side with a stronger and closer relationship.

How it can work

My son had been feeling lots of jealousy towards his younger brother, and I was looking forward to an opportunity for him to release some of the big feelings and tension that were driving his behaviour. How things had changed - I was actively looking for a way for him to have a meltdown! Knowing that this is the key to him being more flexible and loving.

We had discussed driving into town so he could spend his pocket money. While in the car he continued to show off track behaviour and so I readied myself for the coming emotional storm and drove home. 

When he realised we were home, and not at the shops, he erupted! At first, he was very angry. I welcomed this anger and just maintained my loving presence while he ranted. Then he moved to sobbing. I held him, providing eye contact where I could, and warm hugs, and very few words. 

He cried for about 20 minutes. Then he dusted himself off, proceeded to play beautifully with his little brother, and over the next few days I saw once again the miraculous power of Staylistening, as he demonstrated lots of flexibility, caring and kindness.

Through the process of releasing his feelings, and because I stayed with him through his big emotions, he built resilience, as well as found the key to a more relaxed and happy demeanour. 

Staylistening is a relatively new idea, but one that is receiving lots of interest from experts including neuroscientists, psychologists and parenting guides, because it aligns so well with what we know of the brain. And it works! But how easy is it to use this simple tool in the moment? The truth is, it can be difficult for us parents to listen to our children if no one ever listens to our upsets and challenges. The Parenting by Connection approach provides a wonderful method for filling our own cups so that we can attend to our children's big feelings - the Listening Partnership. More on that next time.

If you'd like more information, resources or advice, email pbcwithbelynda@gmail.com or visit my Facebook page at https://www.facebook.com/ParentingbyConnectionwithBelyndaSmith/