Your child is having a problem, not being a problem...

Your child wants to feel good, connect well, play and learn. When things go off track for her, you can feel confident that this is NOT a choice she is making.

To learn more about why it isn't a conscious choice, a little brain science may be helpful. 

What we know about brain science is that there are three key parts to our brains. The brain stem governs life processes such as breathing and is in charge of the well-known fight or flight response.

The limbic system, or middle brain, is our safety monitor and the seat of our long-term memories. This is the part of our brain that is engaged to determine connection, that tells children 'Yes! All ok here. Learn and play, share and have fun'.

Finally, the prefrontal cortex is our higher brain, where our executive function happens. When the limbic system sends the message that all is well, this is the part of our child's brain that helps her reason, organise, play well, be considerate and think well.

From Unsplash by Joel Overbeck

Brain science tells us that children need a strong sense of connection in order to feel safe. When this sense of connection breaks, for reasons big or small, our little ones let us know that all is not well. They do this in one of two ways, and both can be highly inconvenient for busy parents!

Firstly, they may release tension by tantruming, crying, sweating and perspiring. If we can anchor our child during this process of tension release, we will see a return to her good thinking very quickly. We can do this by not distracting, shushing, scolding or lecturing, but simply by remaining close and listening. We call this process Staylistening.

Secondly, when the limbic system isn't feeling a sense of safety and connection and our child doesn't naturally move into releasing this tension, our child literally flips out. Her thinking brain isn't wired at all - she can't reach her executive functioning skills no matter how much we may want her to. She is flung into a sense of fight or flight and cannot think, only act. This is where we see sibling hitting, toddlers pulling the cat's tail, sharing squabbles and other nutty behaviour. Appealing to our child's logic or reason at this time simply can't work well; the structure of our brains prohibits it.

So what does work well? Letting her limbic system know it's safe. The best way to do this is to set a limit (I can't let you pull the cat's tail sweetie), holding this limit physically if need be, and remain close while her upset pours out. Your only job is to keep everyone safe and pour your love into your child. 'I'm sorry sweetheart, I can't let you do that. I'm here. I'll keep everyone safe.' The fewer words the better. When she reaches the end of her upset, knowing that you've provided safety and love throughout, you'll find your bond getting stronger and stronger, and her behaviour getting better and better.

The Parenting by Connection tools work to build a child's sense of safety over time and in difficult moments, while also providing invaluable support for parents. If we can remember that our child is deep down good, and that she is not choosing to make our life hard, we can respond in a way that helps her develop emotional intelligence and resilience. And we will be building our connection with her in a deep, meaningful and lasting way.