Parenting by Connection with Belynda Smith

Aggression from our sweet children knocks parents for six. It is a highly emotive and very difficult situation. When you have the challenge of dealing with a regularly aggressive child, you have so many big feelings to deal with from everyone. Image by Patrick Fore from Unsplash The usual response to aggression is to meet it with, at best, a 'do not mess with me, I mean business' tone, and at worst, to meet it with further aggression. It isn't a surprise that this is often the only way we know how to respond to this pattern of behaviour. After all, it is highly unlikely that we ever saw or experienced any other response. If you have been trying these responses to your child's aggression for a while now, it's time to try something new. Something that seems counter-productive but actually works. With aggression, we need to keep our eye on what is really going on. So firstly I'll explain a little brain science. Our brain can be basically viewed as having...

Your child wants to feel good, connect well, play and learn. When things go off track for her, you can feel confident that this is NOT a choice she is making. To learn more about why it isn't a conscious choice, a little brain science may be helpful.  What we know about brain science is that there are three key parts to our brains. The brain stem governs life processes such as breathing and is in charge of the well-known fight or flight response. The limbic system, or middle brain, is our safety monitor and the seat of our long-term memories. This is the part of our brain that is engaged to determine connection, that tells children 'Yes! All ok here. Learn and play, share and have fun'. Finally, the prefrontal cortex is our higher brain, where our executive function happens. When the limbic system sends the message that all is well, this is the part of our child's brain that helps her reason, organise, play well, be considerate and think well. From Unspl...

Parenting by Connection should probably be called Life by Connection. It's an approach that has profoundly impacted my relationships across all spheres of life. So what is it all about? Parenting is hard work. You deserve support as you do this vital work. In our society, parenting is seen as something of a hobby. But parenting involves deeply emotional work that can very challenging. The Parenting by Connection approach involves supporting parents so they can in turn support and lead their families well. Parenting by Connection is an approach that values your wellbeing at least as much as your child's. This approach asserts that, like the life mask on an aeroplane, you need to care for yourself before you can provide the deep connection your child thrives on. The Starter Class which runs for six weeks gives you some vital refresher time. You can be with other parents and learn from their stories too. Parenting can be isolating; getting together and sharing a laugh or ev...

Image by Jordan Whitt on Unsplash Parents want to make things go well for their children. We want to see them laugh joyfully, focus intently on their passions, and play beautifully with their friends. When things go wrong, we often move straight into fix-it mode. This can mean skipping over the child's feelings - 'No that didn't really hurt' or 'You're just being silly'. Parenting by Connection has a new insight into these moments. What if you don't need to fix anything? What if your only job is to stay with your child and listen, for as long as she needs to offload her emotions? At first glance, this may seem a strange idea, one that could encourage dramatics and crying. My experience and that of many thousands of others who have worked with the Parenting by Connection approach is the total opposite. If I minimise my child's feelings, he maintains a feeling of upset all day long. Everything is a problem. He is literally looking for a way t...