Parenting by Connection with Belynda Smith

We make plans for our dental health. Plans for our money. Plans for our meals and shopping. Something Parenting by Connection puts in the spotlight is the idea that our relationship with our kids requires thought and planning too! We use a tool called a Connection Plan. A Connection Plan can be as involved or as detailed as you like. It is tailor made by you, the expert on your family. Some of the questions and ideas you could use when thinking about how to connect well with your kids include: What are the kinds of things your kids struggle with? It might be transitions (going from brushing teeth to putting PJs on to getting into bed), it might be playing well with siblings, it might be separation anxiety that comes out whenever you aren’t in the same room. Thinking about our day, where do our kids get stuck on their big feelings? Is it at the breakfast table? Is it getting out the door for school? Is it after we meet up again at the end of the day? What is our relatio...

First time parents face a special set of circumstances. The changes a new baby brings are nothing short of life changing. Some of these changes are beautiful and wonderful. Some can be incredibly challenging. Parenting by Connection has some useful ways to view these changes and the emotional work that parenting brings with it. Here are seven things to think about if you are a new parent: 1. Your birth story is an important moment in your life. Whether you are Mum or Dad, the birth of your baby is a hugely important moment and one that will require lots of processing. Finding someone who can listen well to you as you recount your experiences and feelings is very important. Science shows that it is not WHAT happens to us that dictates our experience of life, but HOW we make sense of what happens to us. The narrative we weave about our experience is incredibly important in helping us feel capable and resilient. So whether your birth experience was blissful or barbaric, talking it thr...

Aggression from our sweet children knocks parents for six. It is a highly emotive and very difficult situation. When you have the challenge of dealing with a regularly aggressive child, you have so many big feelings to deal with from everyone. Image by Patrick Fore from Unsplash The usual response to aggression is to meet it with, at best, a 'do not mess with me, I mean business' tone, and at worst, to meet it with further aggression. It isn't a surprise that this is often the only way we know how to respond to this pattern of behaviour. After all, it is highly unlikely that we ever saw or experienced any other response. If you have been trying these responses to your child's aggression for a while now, it's time to try something new. Something that seems counter-productive but actually works. With aggression, we need to keep our eye on what is really going on. So firstly I'll explain a little brain science. Our brain can be basically viewed as having...

by Arwan Sutan from Unsplash I'll let you in on a profound insight that changed my life.  Your kids don't need tantrum training but you probably do! No doubt you have always been shown and told that tantrums are a bad thing. I think you'll come to value them once you see how they can restore your child's good thinking. In our culture tantrums are perceived as something to squash, something to ignore, something to divert from. The Parenting by Connection perspective provides a very different view. The human brain is built for connection. From the moment they are born children's brains are hard wired to seek out connection and safety. When they feel warm, loving attention from a caring adult, children thrive. But life isn't always easy on our small people, and even things that seem harmless to us grownups can really upset a baby or a child. A door slamming noisily, or mum going into the next room, can throw your child's sense of connection right o...

from Unsplash by David Sobolewski Parenting by Connection is an approach that works from the assumption that you are a good parent, who wants the very best for your children. We also start with the view that your children are good; they want to connect with you and others around them to play well, laugh hard and learn with real passion. We know that children are born to connect with us and that their brain development relies on warm, responsive, loving adult care. In our fast-paced world, parenting isn't given the respect and the support it deserves. It's no wonder, then, that there are times when our children don't feel connected to us. This too is a natural experience, and it is one our children are equipped for - with our support they can bounce back from a feeling of disconnection and develop valuable resilience. So what happens when a child has experienced a feeling of disconnect, and his brain can't sense safety? Parenting by Connection holds the view that...

Image by Jordan Whitt on Unsplash Parents want to make things go well for their children. We want to see them laugh joyfully, focus intently on their passions, and play beautifully with their friends. When things go wrong, we often move straight into fix-it mode. This can mean skipping over the child's feelings - 'No that didn't really hurt' or 'You're just being silly'. Parenting by Connection has a new insight into these moments. What if you don't need to fix anything? What if your only job is to stay with your child and listen, for as long as she needs to offload her emotions? At first glance, this may seem a strange idea, one that could encourage dramatics and crying. My experience and that of many thousands of others who have worked with the Parenting by Connection approach is the total opposite. If I minimise my child's feelings, he maintains a feeling of upset all day long. Everything is a problem. He is literally looking for a way t...

Siblings. They warm your heart when they share, cuddle and play well. But when big feelings take over it can be difficult for everyone! Parenting by Connection has a wonderful tool to use at times like these. It is quite revolutionary; it doesn't require you to adjudicate, teach or lecture. Just to listen. This tool is called Staylistening. It literally involves you simply staying with your child, and listening to whatever they need to say.  The truth is that when we quieten our children, their big feelings don't go away, they are just driven down inside them. Is it any wonder these feelings boil up and result in sibling fighting and hard moments? By allowing your child to 'let off steam' with your loving attention, you take the sting out of these feelings. When new to this approach I was sceptical, thinking this would encourage the feelings and grow them, but my experience has been exactly the opposite. With the loving attention of a parent, a child can let g...