Parenting by Connection with Belynda Smith

Aggression from our sweet children knocks parents for six. It is a highly emotive and very difficult situation. When you have the challenge of dealing with a regularly aggressive child, you have so many big feelings to deal with from everyone. Image by Patrick Fore from Unsplash The usual response to aggression is to meet it with, at best, a 'do not mess with me, I mean business' tone, and at worst, to meet it with further aggression. It isn't a surprise that this is often the only way we know how to respond to this pattern of behaviour. After all, it is highly unlikely that we ever saw or experienced any other response. If you have been trying these responses to your child's aggression for a while now, it's time to try something new. Something that seems counter-productive but actually works. With aggression, we need to keep our eye on what is really going on. So firstly I'll explain a little brain science. Our brain can be basically viewed as having...

Your child wants to feel good, connect well, play and learn. When things go off track for her, you can feel confident that this is NOT a choice she is making. To learn more about why it isn't a conscious choice, a little brain science may be helpful.  What we know about brain science is that there are three key parts to our brains. The brain stem governs life processes such as breathing and is in charge of the well-known fight or flight response. The limbic system, or middle brain, is our safety monitor and the seat of our long-term memories. This is the part of our brain that is engaged to determine connection, that tells children 'Yes! All ok here. Learn and play, share and have fun'. Finally, the prefrontal cortex is our higher brain, where our executive function happens. When the limbic system sends the message that all is well, this is the part of our child's brain that helps her reason, organise, play well, be considerate and think well. From Unspl...

from Unsplash by David Sobolewski Parenting by Connection is an approach that works from the assumption that you are a good parent, who wants the very best for your children. We also start with the view that your children are good; they want to connect with you and others around them to play well, laugh hard and learn with real passion. We know that children are born to connect with us and that their brain development relies on warm, responsive, loving adult care. In our fast-paced world, parenting isn't given the respect and the support it deserves. It's no wonder, then, that there are times when our children don't feel connected to us. This too is a natural experience, and it is one our children are equipped for - with our support they can bounce back from a feeling of disconnection and develop valuable resilience. So what happens when a child has experienced a feeling of disconnect, and his brain can't sense safety? Parenting by Connection holds the view that...

Photo by  Eddie Kopp  on  Unsplash Aggression from our sweet kids can really throw us off balance. When our 2 year old bites a friend, our 4 year old whaps us in the face during playtime, or our children physically fight one another, we often feel confused, isolated and very angry ourselves. Parenting by Connection has some interesting and practically useful views on aggression; a supremely helpful idea championed by this approach is that an aggressive child is a scared child. A short explanation of brain science may help to illuminate why. The human brain can be viewed in a simple way by seeing it as a vertical chain. The brain stem at the bottom controls life processes such as breathing and temperature, and is the part engaged when the fight or flight response is triggered. The next level up is the social emotional centre of the brain, known as the limbic system. Here is where our long term memories are stored, and it is the part of the brain we use to scan...