Parenting by Connection with Belynda Smith

Your child wants to feel good, connect well, play and learn. When things go off track for her, you can feel confident that this is NOT a choice she is making. To learn more about why it isn't a conscious choice, a little brain science may be helpful.  What we know about brain science is that there are three key parts to our brains. The brain stem governs life processes such as breathing and is in charge of the well-known fight or flight response. The limbic system, or middle brain, is our safety monitor and the seat of our long-term memories. This is the part of our brain that is engaged to determine connection, that tells children 'Yes! All ok here. Learn and play, share and have fun'. Finally, the prefrontal cortex is our higher brain, where our executive function happens. When the limbic system sends the message that all is well, this is the part of our child's brain that helps her reason, organise, play well, be considerate and think well. From Unspl...

Image by Jordan Whitt on Unsplash Parents want to make things go well for their children. We want to see them laugh joyfully, focus intently on their passions, and play beautifully with their friends. When things go wrong, we often move straight into fix-it mode. This can mean skipping over the child's feelings - 'No that didn't really hurt' or 'You're just being silly'. Parenting by Connection has a new insight into these moments. What if you don't need to fix anything? What if your only job is to stay with your child and listen, for as long as she needs to offload her emotions? At first glance, this may seem a strange idea, one that could encourage dramatics and crying. My experience and that of many thousands of others who have worked with the Parenting by Connection approach is the total opposite. If I minimise my child's feelings, he maintains a feeling of upset all day long. Everything is a problem. He is literally looking for a way t...

Siblings. They warm your heart when they share, cuddle and play well. But when big feelings take over it can be difficult for everyone! Parenting by Connection has a wonderful tool to use at times like these. It is quite revolutionary; it doesn't require you to adjudicate, teach or lecture. Just to listen. This tool is called Staylistening. It literally involves you simply staying with your child, and listening to whatever they need to say.  The truth is that when we quieten our children, their big feelings don't go away, they are just driven down inside them. Is it any wonder these feelings boil up and result in sibling fighting and hard moments? By allowing your child to 'let off steam' with your loving attention, you take the sting out of these feelings. When new to this approach I was sceptical, thinking this would encourage the feelings and grow them, but my experience has been exactly the opposite. With the loving attention of a parent, a child can let g...