Parenting by Connection with Belynda Smith

First time parents face a special set of circumstances. The changes a new baby brings are nothing short of life changing. Some of these changes are beautiful and wonderful. Some can be incredibly challenging. Parenting by Connection has some useful ways to view these changes and the emotional work that parenting brings with it. Here are seven things to think about if you are a new parent: 1. Your birth story is an important moment in your life. Whether you are Mum or Dad, the birth of your baby is a hugely important moment and one that will require lots of processing. Finding someone who can listen well to you as you recount your experiences and feelings is very important. Science shows that it is not WHAT happens to us that dictates our experience of life, but HOW we make sense of what happens to us. The narrative we weave about our experience is incredibly important in helping us feel capable and resilient. So whether your birth experience was blissful or barbaric, talking it thr...

Your child wants to feel good, connect well, play and learn. When things go off track for her, you can feel confident that this is NOT a choice she is making. To learn more about why it isn't a conscious choice, a little brain science may be helpful.  What we know about brain science is that there are three key parts to our brains. The brain stem governs life processes such as breathing and is in charge of the well-known fight or flight response. The limbic system, or middle brain, is our safety monitor and the seat of our long-term memories. This is the part of our brain that is engaged to determine connection, that tells children 'Yes! All ok here. Learn and play, share and have fun'. Finally, the prefrontal cortex is our higher brain, where our executive function happens. When the limbic system sends the message that all is well, this is the part of our child's brain that helps her reason, organise, play well, be considerate and think well. From Unspl...

Image by Jordan Whitt on Unsplash Parents want to make things go well for their children. We want to see them laugh joyfully, focus intently on their passions, and play beautifully with their friends. When things go wrong, we often move straight into fix-it mode. This can mean skipping over the child's feelings - 'No that didn't really hurt' or 'You're just being silly'. Parenting by Connection has a new insight into these moments. What if you don't need to fix anything? What if your only job is to stay with your child and listen, for as long as she needs to offload her emotions? At first glance, this may seem a strange idea, one that could encourage dramatics and crying. My experience and that of many thousands of others who have worked with the Parenting by Connection approach is the total opposite. If I minimise my child's feelings, he maintains a feeling of upset all day long. Everything is a problem. He is literally looking for a way t...