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Brothers' Day - Bond-Building Tips for Great Sibling Relationships


In our home, we celebrate Brothers’ Day once a year. This special day is a focus for a long time beforehand as we choose a cake together, plan a fun outing, and generally celebrate how special brothers are. This idea was from Laura Markham’s book Peaceful Parents Happy Siblings, and I’m so glad we took it on as a family ritual. This ritual is just one of the very intentional ways we've helped our boys build the best relationship they can.

When things are going well, my boys connect well and love one another deeply. As young human beings who carry some hurts, they also can have bumps along the road in their relationship. There has been plenty of physical fighting, verbal stoushing, sibling rivalry and big feelings between them. Over the past two years things have steadily improved thanks to Parenting by Connection tools and strategies. Here are five of the key bond-building ideas that have made a difference to our family, and that I hope might help your kids get along well too.

Image by Hisu Lee from Unsplash

Bond-building Tip #1
Special Time
One to one, timed, child-led lay sessions can really help each sibling feel admired, valued and loved by their parent, and eradicates their need to grab at attention later on. I have noticed a direct correlation between how much reliable individual Special Time my kids get and how well they can get along. Now I know that when things are tough, if I add in extra Special Time, and let them know ahead of time that they’ll get this extra dose, things really go much more smoothly.

Bond-building Tip #2
Use Affection Games
Humour and affection diffuse tension, so these games are like first aid to kids that are acting out. Try saying, ‘Uh oh! The next kid who squabbles/fights is going to get 1000 kisses!’ and get ready for a fun chase. Your kids want to get on well, and when their brain is switched on well they certainly can. Realising that they aren’t choosing to be unkind to their sibling means you can let go of TEACHING them in that moment and instead try REACHING for them.  For years I lectured, scolded, punished and growled (and on a bad day these habits recur!) but now I know that a quick vigorous snuggle, chase or game can turn things around very quickly. I don’t have to teach my boys, I just have to connect well and build their sense of safety and their natural wish to get on will be free to flourish.

Bond-buiding Tip #3
Start Roughhousing
Good, connecting laughter in your rough and tumble play helps everyone let off steam. If you play with two or more kids, have them gang up on you which helps foster closeness. Remember to let them be more powerful and follow those giggles! My boys' dad is a genius at this kind of play. Our boys know that they are always a team against the baddie/monster/ogre (their Dad) whom they inevitably defeat with their clever and strong moves. Family pillow fights involve the grown ups valiantly but futilely trying to defeat the all-powerful superheroes (the kids). It is great fun and very connecting!

Bond-building Tip #4
Days Out
A whole day or uninterrupted hours with one child really helps them relax in a way they can’t around siblings. You get to enjoy them at their purest and with their defences down. Listening more than talking helps if you want them to open up. 

Bond-building Tip #5
Plan Family Time
Daily times where kids talk about what went well or what was hard, along with things they appreciate about one another, can help build closeness and keep communication going. Ask for their ideas for improvements – sometimes they have surprising insights. A good time to do this can be at mealtimes where a blessing or prayer can be said, and then each person reflects on their day or offers something they are grateful for. Family meetings can also be a wonderful ritual to help bring everyone together to solve problems and celebrate successes. 

I hope these five ideas for bond-building help your family to connect well!




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