What's the best response to aggression?

Aggression from our sweet children knocks parents for six. It is a highly emotive and very difficult situation. When you have the challenge of dealing with a regularly aggressive child, you have so many big feelings to deal with from everyone.

Image by Patrick Fore from Unsplash

The usual response to aggression is to meet it with, at best, a 'do not mess with me, I mean business' tone, and at worst, to meet it with further aggression. It isn't a surprise that this is often the only way we know how to respond to this pattern of behaviour. After all, it is highly unlikely that we ever saw or experienced any other response.

If you have been trying these responses to your child's aggression for a while now, it's time to try something new. Something that seems counter-productive but actually works. With aggression, we need to keep our eye on what is really going on. So firstly I'll explain a little brain science.

Our brain can be basically viewed as having three tiers. The bottom tier is our brain stem,  what I think of as the reptilian brain, where life processes are governed and the well known flight or fight response is located. This is the part of the brain that is activated when our kids are displaying aggressive behaviours, and there is no reasoning with it! The middle tier, called the limbic system, is the social-emotional centre of the brain, and its bearing on our child's aggression is that it is our radar for the level of safety and security we feel. When the limbic system senses safety, the frontal lobe is able to function well; this is the final tier, the part of the brain that deals with reason, logic, empathy and other higher order thinking skills.

In order to access this higher brain function, the three parts of our brain really need to be fully integrated. The limbic system is constantly scanning our surroundings to determine whether we are safe; if we don't sense safety, the frontal lobe is inaccessible. When our child lashes out, it is important that we understand that he feels unsafe. His pre-frontal cortex is not online, and he has been thrust back into his reptilian brain and is ready to fight for his very survival. This is why the Parenting by Connection approach asserts that an aggressive child is a scared child. It helps enormously to hold this view when dealing with a child who is lashing out.

So how on earth do we respond to this kicking, screaming, biting child? What could possibly work? Reasoning is something many parents try, and I understand the compulsion to do this completely - it seems so obvious that if they could just see how unreasonable they were being, they'd stop hitting immediately. But we know that their rational brain is not online.

Staylistening is what the Parenting by Connection approach presents as a useful and practical tool that brings results when dealing with aggression, especially when used in tandem with the four other Parenting by Connection tools. Staylistening involves two important jobs for you as a parent.

1. Be the safety manager. Make sure your child can't hurt you, themselves, anyone else, or property. Hold them gently if you need to. Put your hand on the block they are about to throw. Move those Lego bricks away from their reach. Keep everyone safe.
2. Listen and pour in love. This is a huge ask of course! Having never seen anyone react like this to a child experiencing overwhelming emotions means we don't have much of a mental map. But it is possible to be loving, calm and to listen attentively - even when our child is thrashing wildly and full of fury.

The end result of this highly unusual approach to aggression, in my experience, is a complete 180 degree turn in how your child behaves. If you can listen in this way to the end of his upset, you are likely to find that your child is calm, connected, loving and gentle for a good long time afterward. And if you repeatedly allow your child this space to heal from his hurts, his aggression will slowly but surely be depleted. This strategy is not pretty to watch, but in my experience it is reliable for bringing my sweet child back more quickly than any other approach. It also anchors our relationship in the deep love I am showing him. Over time, this strategy builds a supportive, connected, deep and strong relationship between you.

It is also worth noting that this strategy works on the understanding that your child doesn't need to be taught - when his brain is online and functioning, he knows just how to love well, play kindly and sort out problems effectively. It is only when he feels disconnected and scared (terrified in fact!) that he lashes out. If we can solve the real problem - the feeling of disconnection - the behaviour literally sorts itself out. There is no need to teach him, only reach for him.

Give it a try.  The next time your child lashes out, hold his fist, look him in the eye and say 'I love you and I am right here to take care of you.' Then just stay and listen; magic might just happen! If you are looking for something that reliably works to build a stronger relationship, a happier child and less aggression, this is definitely worth experimenting with.

May you reach for your angry child with connection in mind today and see the wonderful benefits of this way of showing your unconditional love.