Connection Plans

We make plans for our dental health. Plans for our money. Plans for our meals and shopping. Something Parenting by Connection puts in the spotlight is the idea that our relationship with our kids requires thought and planning too! We use a tool called a Connection Plan.

A Connection Plan can be as involved or as detailed as you like. It is tailor made by you, the expert on your family. Some of the questions and ideas you could use when thinking about how to connect well with your kids include:

What are the kinds of things your kids struggle with? It might be transitions (going from brushing teeth to putting PJs on to getting into bed), it might be playing well with siblings, it might be separation anxiety that comes out whenever you aren’t in the same room.

Thinking about our day, where do our kids get stuck on their big feelings? Is it at the breakfast table? Is it getting out the door for school? Is it after we meet up again at the end of the day?

What is our relationship with this child like generally? What are our feelings about this child? How was this child’s pregnancy, birth and early days? Sometimes we will find the seed of challenging relationship patterns in these early days.

Now we can get creative and consider how we build our connection up to help our kids.

Firstly, I always like to take my big feelings to my own Listening Partner. I explore the issue from lots of angles, and work through my frustration and feelings of powerlessness in order to release my tension, which then allows me to think well when a difficult situation is arising again and again.

Then, I ramp up Special Time. We generally do Special Time daily, so when things are hard I try to fit in another session. Or I find a way to have an 'extra special' Special Time with them – for example doing a morning woodworking workshop or a night animal tour, or having a special trip out at a cafe together. These warm, connected experiences really help our kids feel loved and safe. They are such a great opportunity to build our relationship and to make wonderful memories together too!

A connection plan where we schedule in Special Time helps this to become a lovely cemented ritual, and allows us to think carefully about any logistical challenges. For example, if you have more than one child, how can you ensure some uninterrupted time with each of them? Perhaps the other child can listen to an audiobook with headphones on, or perhaps there is a special box of toys that only comes down while you wait for your Special Time, or maybe they could speak with Grandma on Skype for that ten minutes? Planning ahead helps you smooth out any potential challenges.

PlayListening also has an important role to fill with ongoing challenges. We can identify ways to play that bring the giggles for our kids. For example, with toileting issues you might become 'NappyHead' the super hero and romp around, making your child laugh. With sibling issues you might fill their cup with affection games where you just can't let them go. They escape you and you run wildly after them, never quite catching them but always needing them desperately. If you are facing separation anxiety issues you might try games where they get to push you away and be the one in charge, while you ham up trying desperately to hold onto them and not let them out the door. Finding ways to get your kids laughing really helps to expel tension and is absolutely the shortest distance between two people. It's wonderfully connecting.

Finally, we can look for places to bring our beautiful listening. Limits set early, often and well can be a wonderful can opener for the feelings driving the stressful behaviours at difficult moments. If we can schedule in a time for these feelings I've found it much easier to just stay and listen, rather than feeling the pull of all the things we have to do. For example, if you know socks are a huge issue in the mornings, you can make sure everything else is done, and then allow a good ten minutes where you set a warm limit and listen to the feelings that erupt: 'I know... You hate those socks... I'm sorry... We do need to get shoes and socks on... I'll be with you while it is hard.' We don't force the socks on, but instead hold the warm limit or expectation and see what feelings pour out while we pour all our love in. Investing this time early in the day can reap rewards for the rest of the day.

Your connection plan can be as simple as writing a list like this one, and jotting down some points about each. Here are some questions to get you thinking.

- Special Time - when can I fit Special Time in? How will I balance the logistics involved (ie keep the other child amused)? 

- Listening Partnership - if I don't already have a Listening Partner, what channels can I pursue to find one? What days and times could I safeguard for my own needs in this way? 

- Setting Limits - what areas does my child's tensions show up in? When can I expect to need to set a limit? how can I remember to bring the limit early in a warm way?

- StayListening - how can I focus on the upset child? eg can I allow extra time in the mornings for any feelings that arise? Can I allow time at the end of Special Time for any big feelings? Is there a phrase I can focus on using (eg I know)?

- PlayListening - what is my child's emotional project (ie the thing that cause upsets over and over again)? How can I play around with this issue? 

Reflective practice is a buzz word in education and other areas for good reason! Taking this step back, reflecting on our day and how to support everyone's needs (including our own) is a valuable way to lead our families well.