Games to help family life go more smoothly

Parenting by Connection starts with the assumption and the understanding that you are good, and that your child is good. 

We know that children's brains work best when they are in loving, responsive communication with a trusted adult, and that when things are not feeling safe for them they either show off track behaviours or release their tension by tantruming, raging, crying, sweating or laughing.

Playlistening is a wonderful tool taught in the Parenting by Connection approach. Playlistening is a special way of focusing our listening and attention on our child. We take the less powerful approach in play and we follow the giggles - this lights our child up!  It also helps them process various tricky feelings and counters any feelings of isolation, overwhelm and powerlessness they may carry.

Before my children transformed my views on this, I worried that playing would encourage off track behaviour. For example, the idea that having a blast together shouting out rude words might help alleviate tension and stop future blurting of inappropriate language didn't occur to me! I thought, wrongly, that this might create bad habits. What I've found instead is that those moments of light connection and play really forge a strong link between us and help to offload tension. This means my children are more cooperative and have much greater access to their wonderful natural intelligence.

I've loved using play to transform difficult moments, and have found this approach particularly helpful with sibling rivalry. Here are some examples of how it has worked in our home.

My boys adore games where they get to beat me. Ideally they gang up on me (strengthening their sibling bond). One of our favourites is played on the couch or double bed, where I chase them and throw pillows at them and they dodge, weave and generally defeat me. 

We play variations on this, for example the 'Gold' cushion game where we each have a pile of 'gold' (the cushions) and we try to take one another's gold and stockpile our own. Another example is the sock fight where we barricade ourselves using beds and pillows and lob odd socks at one another (a great use for all those lonely laundry items!).

Affection games are one of the most effective parenting tools I have in my toolkit. An example is the 'uh oh' game. Whenever I see an off track behaviour I say, 'Uh oh... ' and give them a playful look that gets their attention. Then - 'Boys who do that get ... ten thousand kisses'. 

A variation that has worked well has been 'The hugby tackle' when they are having a hard time together. If I see one boy being unkind to the other, I'll move in warm and close and say, 'You know that kind of behaviour gets a hugby tackle, right? Watch out, here it comes!' and chase them. More often than not, the 'victim' joins me in the chase and the original insult is dispelled by the fun we are having together. 

Insults, name calling and swearing can be particularly tough to navigate as a parent. You can gently hold an arm back from punching, but it is much more challenging to stop a mouth from speaking! I've found playful strategies to be most effective in processing the off track behaviour that drives this kind of verbal outpouring of feeling. For example, if one boy insults the other I might say, 'Oh no, did you just call him an idiot? Because when I hear the word idiot you know I get triggered... to do the idiot dance!' At that point I dance wildly towards them and fall all over them. They love this, and quickly their attention is turned to me and we are able to move through the hard moment together.

Does playing in this way distract them from their feelings? Sometimes, sure. But when I'm exhausted or busy or just need to move through that moment, this is a great strategy. I know full well that they will bring any residual feelings up at another time - there is always another opportunity to work on feelings! It is also fair to say that the physical movement, the laughter and the connection goes a long way towards healing the feelings that drove their behaviour in the first place, and so it is the case that often, play helps them process their feelings.

Does playing in this way teach them that it is ok to swear or name call or be unkind? This thinking presumes a completely different understanding of children's emotions and behaviour, one that posits that children need to be taught exactly how to behave appropriately. Generally, children know just what is ok and any off track behaviour is there because of unmet needs and underlying feelings. When we help them process those feelings, the behaviours dissolve. 

Here's how it can work:

My son had been off track for weeks; we had had numerous family illnesses including my own. We had also been offering him lots more regular special time than usual in the preceding few months and big feelings were coming up.

He had found a plastic shield and was using it as a surfboard around the house, scratching the floors and coffee table in the process. I lovingly set the limit: “It’s time to put the shield away now,” and he flew into a rage, exclaiming, ‘You are good for nothing, you are useless, I hate you.’ I readied myself for a good storm and moved in closely to him, holding my hand gently over the shield as he clasped it tight.

Despite feeling ready for a good Staylisten in some ways, I was ill and had already done quite a bit that day without getting to any real release. I went for the giggles instead. ‘I can see you think that shield is going to shield you from my love but NOTHING can do that. Here come my cuddles and kisses, my love for you is so big it can find its way through anything!’ This went on for just a couple of minutes.

Going for silliness worked well. He laughed, giggled, and when he tried to hit me with the shield (I saw the aggression coming and blocked it like a ninja mum!) I held his arm firmly which brought on a few more tears of frustration and some expression of feelings. “I never get to do what I want, Little Brother is always pestering me and wanting to do what I’m doing and you are always telling me I can’t and sometimes I’ve just HAD ENOUGH!” I listened without speaking too much until he was quiet, then repeated my silliness. More giggles. Then he came up with a solution. “Mum I’ll put it into my room until tomorrow.” Then he snuggled with his brother and Dad on the couch and got ready for bed with no problems or off track behaviour.