First time parents face a special set of circumstances. The changes a new baby brings are nothing short of life changing. Some of these changes are beautiful and wonderful. Some can be incredibly challenging. Parenting by Connection has some useful ways to view these changes and the emotional work that parenting brings with it. Here are seven things to think about if you are a new parent:
1. Your birth story is an important moment in your life. Whether you are Mum or Dad, the birth of your baby is a hugely important moment and one that will require lots of processing. Finding someone who can listen well to you as you recount your experiences and feelings is very important. Science shows that it is not WHAT happens to us that dictates our experience of life, but HOW we make sense of what happens to us. The narrative we weave about our experience is incredibly important in helping us feel capable and resilient. So whether your birth experience was blissful or barbaric, talking it through with someone who will listen without interruption and without judgement is a really necessary and helpful strategy for bringing your best self to your new baby. Carrying the weight of all those feelings into the early days of parenthood can be difficult; shedding them in the context of a warm, supportive listener, is a wonderful way to process your experience.
2. Your baby has emotional work to do too. The social and emotional centre of your baby's brain is completely on line from birth - this limbic system, the centre of his sense of safety in the world, is ready to go from his first moments (and is in fact online in utero). If he has any experiences that upset this sense of safety - separation from his parents, birth trauma and medical interventions or other challenges - he will need support as he processes this. The Parenting by Connection tool of StayListening is a beautiful way to honour your baby's intelligence. Once we have determined that all of the 'basics' of feeding, nappy changes, temperature and general health are ok, we can feel confident in holding our baby close, offering him eye contact and a loving tone of voice, and listening carefully to his cries with warm attention. Note that we never leave a baby to cry alone, but support him by listening attentively and with great empathy. Being listened to in this way helps a baby shed the tensions that arise from all the learning and development he is doing, as well as bigger difficulties. It really helps to support his growth in every way, creating the mental space and emotional resilience he needs to tackle all of those developmental milestones in the early weeks and months.
3. Special Time with your baby is a wonderful way to build your attachment bond. Setting aside regular, focused attention for your baby is a really special way to support her development and your relationship. Research indicates that this shared early attention can help a child's later ability to concentrate. Just holding her at a time when she is usually awake and alert, and staring deeply into her eyes with love and affection, literally builds her brain! Talking gently with her, or following her eyes and making comments on what she's looking at, also build the neural connections in her brain. Importantly, this Special Time also builds your capacity to focus and concentrate your attention on your child; you have permission for this time not to be distracted by your phone, or the dishes that need doing, or any of the other myriad things that demand our attention. Special Time provides a wonderful space for shared attention and connection.
4. All parents want the best for their child, and most new parents feel overwhelmed with information and advice. Parenting by Connection takes the view that you are the expert on your child, and that with supportive listening, you will make the best decisions for your family. Our hope for you is that you cut through the barrage of well meaning advice and listen to your own heart and mind, making choices that you feel confident in and decisions that you are happy with.
5. You deserve support as you do the vital work of parenting. Parenting by Connection offers a very special form of infrastructure to support parents in their role - Listening Partnerships. This agreement between two parents to meet regularly, swap equal time to talk, and listen attentively with no advice, no judgement and complete confidentiality, is built to counter the isolation and overwhelm that most parents face. This tool is well worth experimenting with as a way to meet the demands of your new role as a parent.
6. Dads are important in the early days and throughout a child's life. A baby recognises his father's voice from inside the womb; Dads are incredibly important both as a support for their partner and as a primary attachment figure for their new baby. Dads can practice both Special Time and StayListening, and use these two tools to build their sense of connection with their child. Fathers can feel confident that their baby needs and wants them, and that the bond building they do in the early days has a lasting impact on their relationships within the family.
7. New Mums and Dads need and deserve so much support as they navigate the huge feelings that come with a new baby. These feelings can range from elation and deep love, to overwhelm, rage, fear and anxiety. All of these feelings are normal, and there is nothing wrong with you whatever feelings you are experiencing. In our pre-baby lives, we could more easily move away from difficult or overwhelming feelings. Now, it is not so easy to sidestep these challenges. Knowing that you are not alone in these big feelings can be a huge help in counteracting anxiety, isolation and overwhelm. Listening Partnerships are the best way we know to work with whatever emotions come up for you.
Thank you for all your beautiful work as a parent to this new small person, your work deserves support and celebration. You are embarking on a pathway of many feelings and moments you may not have experienced before; support will get you through with a feeling of confidence and connection.
Wishing you lots of connection and joy with your new baby, and plenty of enjoyment in those precious early days.
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