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Supporting your Teenager


My kids are yet to wear the label 'teenager', but I have worked with and known teens throughout my adult life, and I have always felt they get a bad rap. The teens I have tutored recently, for example, have been delightful, smart, interesting people to spend time with. Their energy and curiosity impresses me. Another example; the skate park, where I have been consistently astounded by the level of support for smaller kids and the kindness that I've witnessed from young adults there. This experience is in stark contrast to how teenagers are represented by the media and in popular culture, where they are presented as being moody, belligerent, selfish and rude. Why the disparity? And how can we support our teenagers well so that they can grow into their best selves?

Parenting by Connection offers some key considerations for parents, caregivers and those wanting to be allies for teenagers.  It's good to keep these in mind as we aim to support our precious kids.

1. The situation for teens is a difficult one. Generally they've arrived at this stage of huge growth and development with plenty of challenges behind them, and likely a number of ongoing emotional projects. They face daily disrespect from many quarters; the representation of teens in our media is generally not positive, and it's easy for grownups to undervalue, underestimate and under-serve them.

2. We are tired! In Australia we have an interesting initiative called 'Long Service Leave' where an employee gets three months off after 7-10 years of continuous employment. Parents of teens could really do with this refresh! We often bring to our interactions with our teens our overwhelm, our sense of isolation, our guilt and our exhaustion. This is certainly not our fault - society is not well set up to support parents - but it's not our teens' fault either. They come to the world expecting big things, and the fact that we aren't well supported means that throughout their lives it is easy to not bring the warm, spacious, delighted attitude that brings out the best in them.

3. Learning to listen well will keep the bond between you strong. Listening in the Parenting by Connection approach is a very specific, and deeply profound, practice. This isn't listening to teach, or listening to inform, or listening to quieten our kids. This is listening where we actively approach their hearts regardless of the feelings and thoughts they bring. They can be as angry and as sad as they need to be, and still we listen without judgement, shame or any desire to 'fix' them. We bring our full confidence that by listening well, they'll get just what they need to heal from these big feelings. Listening tools form the heart of the Parenting by Connection approach, and two are particularly helpful here:
- Special Time - spending regular one-to-one time following your teen's lead and delighting in her. This is a very active and creative way to listen to what's going on for your teen. It may be best to experiment with 'unannounced Special Time' where you mentally fix a time to simply sit by your teen and express an unhurried, unworried interest in being with them, or you may find that a set weekly time together works best for you. This investment in your relationship will reap rewards over time as your teen comes to rely upon your warm attention and caring.
- StayListening - spending regular time allowing your teen to 'vent' or be upset, without trying to fix things for them, lecture them or insist on good standards of behaviour. Your only job is to keep everyone/thing safe, to stay and to listen. The fewer words the better. This is such a simple thing but may be difficult to do in practice. To find space in our own busy lives and minds to offer this kind of connection can be hard. That's where our self care tool of Listening Partnerships is vital. Set up support for yourself so you can bring warmth and openness when you are with your teen, regardless of their feelings. That's unconditional love at its best, and it is exactly what our teens need to flourish.


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