Parenting by Connection with Belynda Smith

Parenting is full of challenges we may never have guessed at. Today some of the limit setting I faced included my children swearing at one another, throwing a shoe on the roof, and refusing to eat the dinner I had cooked. Despite feeling like crawling under the couch and letting someone else deal with all this craziness, I know that what my kids need when they are having an off track day like this one is connection. On a good day, I approach these signals they are sending me with a wish to connect and with a wish to help them with whatever is driving their behaviour. On a harder day, and at times today was that, I lecture them and appeal to their sense of reason until I literally scream! In my many and varied conversations with parents, a common thread is how frustrating it is that we spend much of our day appealing to logic and reason in order to change behaviours. We say, 'No, please don't do that!' over and over again. We give good solid thinking around why not to beha...

Aggression from our sweet children knocks parents for six. It is a highly emotive and very difficult situation. When you have the challenge of dealing with a regularly aggressive child, you have so many big feelings to deal with from everyone. Image by Patrick Fore from Unsplash The usual response to aggression is to meet it with, at best, a 'do not mess with me, I mean business' tone, and at worst, to meet it with further aggression. It isn't a surprise that this is often the only way we know how to respond to this pattern of behaviour. After all, it is highly unlikely that we ever saw or experienced any other response. If you have been trying these responses to your child's aggression for a while now, it's time to try something new. Something that seems counter-productive but actually works. With aggression, we need to keep our eye on what is really going on. So firstly I'll explain a little brain science. Our brain can be basically viewed as having...

This post was inspired by a wonderful mum I know; in the midst of holiday madness and a new baby, plus two older kids, she managed to create the most beautiful and inspiring art space to make her daughter feel special. These acts of kindnesswe do for our kids, especially at times when our own resources are stretched, can really resonate in their hearts and let them know how precious they are to us. Image by Isaac Del Toro from Unsplash A new baby in the family means new dynamics, new routines and new challenges for everyone. For some older siblings a new baby can literally be like a bomb exploding in their lives; everything changes and they are left feeling at best disoriented and confused, at worst pushed out and unloved. Parenting by Connection provides you with a way to focus on what can really help at times of change like this. The two things that can help most are - Lots of support and resources for parents - Lots of connection with our kids so they can weather the chan...

Parents regularly spend nourishing, meaningful time connecting with their children. When you get your child up at the kitchen bench to make play doh, or you play a game of hide and seek, or you chatter away together in the car, this important connection is consolidating your child's feeling of being seen and heard, and literally builds her brain. The thing about these everyday experiences though, is that they are interruptible. At any moment you may need to answer the phone or attend to another child. Your sweet little one can really benefit from a short regular burst of your attention where she can feel confident that your attention will remain with her for a given time. Conversely, you can really benefit from a short period of time where you are free not to be thinking about the dishes, or work, or how to fit in a quick trip to the shops. Knowing that Special Time is timed actually gives this tool a great sense of freedom - you know that you only have to be enthusiastic a...

In our home, we celebrate Brothers’ Day once a year. This special day is a focus for a long time beforehand as we choose a cake together, plan a fun outing, and generally celebrate how special brothers are. This idea was from Laura Markham’s book Peaceful Parents Happy Siblings , and I’m so glad we took it on as a family ritual. This ritual is just one of the very intentional ways we've helped our boys build the best relationship they can. When things are going well, my boys connect well and love one another deeply. As young human beings who carry some hurts, they also can have bumps along the road in their relationship. There has been plenty of physical fighting, verbal stoushing, sibling rivalry and big feelings between them. Over the past two years things have steadily improved thanks to Parenting by Connection tools and strategies. Here are five of the key bond-building ideas that have made a difference to our family, and that I hope might help your kids get along well t...

Your child wants to feel good, connect well, play and learn. When things go off track for her, you can feel confident that this is NOT a choice she is making. To learn more about why it isn't a conscious choice, a little brain science may be helpful.  What we know about brain science is that there are three key parts to our brains. The brain stem governs life processes such as breathing and is in charge of the well-known fight or flight response. The limbic system, or middle brain, is our safety monitor and the seat of our long-term memories. This is the part of our brain that is engaged to determine connection, that tells children 'Yes! All ok here. Learn and play, share and have fun'. Finally, the prefrontal cortex is our higher brain, where our executive function happens. When the limbic system sends the message that all is well, this is the part of our child's brain that helps her reason, organise, play well, be considerate and think well. From Unspl...